Written by My Collaborative Team member, Anthony Diaz, Esq.

I recently mediated a divorce case with a long-term marriage that had many issues mostly financial in nature. However, there was an injunction in place and that added other complexities. In working with the parties and their attorneys it became quite clear where each spouse was coming from.  There were many assets to share, and the Husband felt he was giving up too much. The Wife felt like she gave up a lot during the marriage and was entitled to more. This is not unusual in cases where domestic violence is involved and there is a high attachment to property.

In spending a lot of time with each spouse, I listened to their story and paused before responding. This gave me time to process not only what they were saying but to try and understand where they were coming from.  When I asked a follow up question, again I paused to allow them to process what I said.  It’s easy to become uncomfortable with silence and we want to jump in and fill the gap.

This gap, the silence during a conversation is like listening to music. Music is defined by the notes that are played within a composition. The beauty of that music lies in the space between its notes. That pause which is the unheard shift from one note to the next ultimately creates the sound we hear. Without that pause, the notes would run into each other resulting in a confusing piece of music.

In this case, by staying in silence and allowing the spouses time to digest what I said created a gap. This space allowed them to go deeper to understand what they needed and what was important to resolve the divorce. Although this case lasted over 10 hours, the result was a full agreement. Creating the space for the spouses to get clear about how they wanted to resolve their case was important, although lengthy, in making sure their needs were met. They were able to embrace the “space between the notes” and that gave them courage to keep moving ahead in this case which ended late in the evening. They became invested in resolving their case despite its length and felt satisfied with their outcome.

The Collaborative Process is a perfect setting to allow spouses the freedom to embrace the silence during their case. They have the support of a team of professionals to facilitate safe conversations and achieve an outcome that truly meets their goals and needs.

So, I would invite you to embrace the space, those sounds of silence, in any conversations you have, especially in situations with conflict, to allow the truth to be revealed. The outcome will be music to your ears.