One of the most common phrases we hear in divorce and family transitions is “be realistic.” But realistic according to whom?
In the Collaborative team setting, this question matters deeply, because expectations shape not only outcomes, but also the experience families have during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives.
The short answer is no single person decides what’s realistic. Instead, realistic expectations are developed together, through a guided, informed, and supported team process.
Every family enters the Collaborative process with their own experiences, fears, values, and hopes. What feels reasonable to one person may feel impossible or unfair to another. These differences are not obstacles, they are information.
In traditional litigation, a judge ultimately decides what is “reasonable,” often based on limited information and legal standards alone. In Collaborative practice, the goal is different. The goal is to help clients make informed decisions that align with both their legal rights and their real-life priorities.
Each member of the Collaborative team plays a unique role in helping clients develop expectations that are both grounded and achievable. Collaborative Attorneys provide legal context, so decisions are made with clarity rather than assumptions. Financial Professionals bring transparency to what is financially possible, sustainable, and fair, helping clients understand both short- and long-term impacts of choices. Mental Health Professionals help clients manage emotions, clarify goals, and recognize when fear, grief, or anger may be driving expectations rather than long-term well-being.
The participants are at the center. Their values, concerns, and vision for the future ultimately guide the process. Realistic does not mean “settling” it means making informed decisions with eyes wide open.
Often, what initially feels unrealistic becomes achievable once the team reframes the conversation. The Collaborative process helps clients move from rigid positions (“I need this to be fair”) to meaningful interests (“I need financial stability and time with my children”).
This shift opens the door to creative solutions that courts simply cannot offer.
A common misconception is that realistic expectations are about limitation. In truth, Collaborative practice expands what’s possible by replacing guesswork with information, fear with support, and conflict with clarity.
When expectations are shaped collaboratively, families leave the process not only with an agreement. but with confidence in the decisions they made and the future they are building.
In the Collaborative team setting, realistic expectations aren’t imposed. They are discovered together.
