Written by My Collaborative Team member, Jacinta Gallant

If you’re a collaborative professional, you’re a good problem-solver.  Perhaps you naturally fall into this role personally and professionally, with clients, friends and family seeming to appreciate your guidance, advocacy, and support. You’re a “fixer” and they like it!

Until they don’t.

We have all had moments when our efforts to guide, advocate or support seem to fuel resistance or build resentment.  We say, “Hey. I’m just trying to help!” only to find that this leads to more resistance.  What’s a fixer to do?

I’m Just Trying to Help!

Pause for a moment and consider how you respond when you meet resistance. Let’s say you offer collaborative services to a client and you really believe this will help their family have a better future. They resist, “That won’t work. Thre is no way I can be in the same room with my ex!” or something like that.    

How do you respond?

Do you explain (again) how your CP works and how it will benefit the family?

Do you offer reassurance? “I really believe this can help. The team will be there for you!”

Do you offer more information – helpful tips, a brochure or a book recommendation?

Sometimes this helps, but the tricky part is that usually it doesn’t – it leads to more resisting and defending behaviours  – all of which are normal human reactions to a perception of threat.  When we feel threatened we defend.

Why Reassurance Often Doesn’t Help

It’s like this: I resist your attempt to alleviate my sense of threat because your explaining and reassuring tells me you have no idea how serious this is to me – you just don’t understand (and you probably don’t even care)!

Think of a time you have felt really stressed and worried, and someone tried to re-explain, give you more information, problem-solve, or reassure you: “It’ll be all right”. Did it help – or leave you feeling more defensive? For most of us,  the answer is “more defensive”.  Now consider what would help you in that moment?  Most of us will say, “I want you to listen and try to understand.” Some of us might want a quiet hug. Hardly anyone wants to be fixed or told.  It’s not time for problem solving!

When we are resisting or reacting defensively, we are not thinking clearly as our minds are preoccupied with a perceived threat.  We are probably not conscious that we are reacting to a sense of threat and we usually won’t be able to articulate the threat – not in that moment.  This is classic “fight or flight”.

How Curiosity Can Help

The research on curiosity helps.  It turns out that curiosity calms. It reduces stress and increases people’s sense of well-being. And the bonus is that curiosity has this positive benefit on the receiver and the giver of curiosity – so there’s something in it for everyone! If we can notice defending behaviours and stop trying to fix or tell, then we can harness the power of curiousity.

The next time you meet resistance from a client, harness the power of curiosity.

• Notice the defensive behaviour that signals “resistance”.
• Drop all assumptions about what might be behind the behaviour.
• Put aside your agenda or plan for how the meeting should go.
• Focus on the person in front of you.
• Be curious.
• State your intention to hear and understand.
• Ask. “What is most upsetting about all of this?” or  “What is feeling threatened right now?”

Listen to the response.  Stay open.  Don’t explain or inform.  Don’t ask “How can I help?” (yet).  The client who experiences your sincere curiosity will benefit from a sense of calm, relieving tension and opening- up. 

And then it might be time to ask a problem-solving question like:  How can I be most helpful? What more do you want me to know?

If you think you know what’s going on, you won’t ask.  That’s the problem with problem-solving.

Being more curious can deepen your already excellent communication skills and make it easier for people to open up to you, and with you.

Check out my podcast, The Authentic Professional, to learn more about how to do more asking, and less telling!

And to learn more about my training in the insight approach to conflict, join an Insight Learning Group. The next group starts March 23 and runs for five Thursdays from noon to 2:30 Eastern Time.