A Psychologist’s Guide for Divorced and Co-Parenting Families
By Dr. Sheila Furr, Psychologist
The holidays can be joyful, meaningful, and exciting for children. For families experiencing separation or divorce, however, the season can also bring changes in routines, traditions, and time spent with each parent. Children may feel happy about celebrations and, at the same time, sad about what has changed. They may worry about disappointing a parent, miss the other household, or feel caught between competing expectations.
Parents cannot make every part of the holidays feel the same as it did before the separation. They can, however, help children feel secure by planning ahead, keeping conflict away from celebrations, and making room for children’s feelings. The goal is not to create a perfect holiday. It is to give children permission to enjoy the season and to feel loved by both parents.
Prepare Children in Advance
Children generally manage change better when they know what to expect. As early as practical, explain the holiday schedule in clear, age-appropriate language. Let children know where they will be, when transitions will occur, who will be present, and how they will get from one home to the other. A calendar can help younger children understand the plan; older children may appreciate having the details in writing.
Avoid making children responsible for communicating schedule changes or negotiating disagreements. Parents should work out logistics directly with one another, or through an agreed-upon professional when necessary. If plans must change, explain the change calmly and reassure children that the adults are handling it.
Children do not need to hear the history of the disagreement or be asked to judge which parent’s plan is fair. A simple explanation is usually enough: “We have worked out where you’ll be for each part of the holiday. You don’t have to solve anything; that is our job.”
Preserve Traditions—and Make Room for New Ones
Traditions give children a sense of continuity and belonging. When possible, maintain familiar rituals that matter to them, such as decorating, preparing a favorite meal, attending a community event, or reading a special holiday story. Some traditions may need to be adapted or celebrated on a different day. Children can still experience their meaning even when the timing or setting changes.
Parents do not have to duplicate one another’s celebrations or compete to provide the most exciting gifts or activities. Each household can develop traditions that reflect its own strengths and circumstances. Children benefit when parents communicate that it is okay to enjoy different experiences in each home.
Invite children to suggest a new tradition, but do not make them responsible for repairing the family’s sadness. A new activity can be a positive addition without requiring children to pretend that nothing has changed.
Consider the Child’s Developmental Stage
Young children
Young children often experience time differently from adults and may have difficulty understanding a schedule that stretches across several days. Use simple language, visual calendars, and predictable routines. Keep transitions calm and bring familiar comfort items when helpful. Reassure children that both parents know where they will be and that the adults will take care of the arrangements.
School-age children
School-age children may understand more about the separation but still believe they should be able to make everyone happy. Listen for worries about missing a parent, leaving a celebration early, or receiving different gifts. Let them know that enjoying time with one parent does not mean they love the other parent any less. Avoid asking them to report on the other household or compare celebrations.
Teenagers
Teenagers may want more input into holiday plans because of friendships, activities, work, or established traditions. Whenever possible, consider their schedules and invite reasonable input while making clear that adults remain responsible for decisions. Avoid treating a teenager’s preference as a loyalty test. Flexibility can be helpful, but it should not require the teenager to manage parental feelings or carry messages between homes.
Adult children
Adult children may face their own challenges in deciding how to divide time among parents, partners, children, and in-laws. They may feel pressure to attend every event or worry that a parent will feel rejected if they cannot. Parents can help by expressing warmth without demanding attendance, allowing adult children to make their own plans, and recognizing that holiday traditions evolve as families grow.
Make It Safe to Love Both Parents
One of the most valuable gifts parents can give children is freedom from the burden of taking sides. Do not criticize the other parent during holiday preparations, ask children to keep secrets, or make them responsible for soothing adult disappointment. Avoid questions that turn a child’s experience into a report about the other home.
Children may express excitement about a celebration with one parent while they are with the other. Try to respond generously: “I’m glad you had a good time.” This does not mean a parent must hide personal sadness; it means finding adult support for those feelings rather than asking children to manage them.
If children become tearful or anxious, listen without rushing to fix the feeling. You might say, “It makes sense that you miss the other parent. You can miss them and still enjoy being here.” Reassurance, predictable plans, and permission to have mixed feelings can be more helpful than insisting that children be cheerful.
Keep Holiday Practices Child-Focused
Gift-giving, travel, religious or cultural observances, and extended-family gatherings can become sources of competition or conflict. Keep the focus on what is meaningful and manageable for the child, rather than on proving which household offers more. Discuss practical matters in advance when possible, including gift coordination, transportation, allergies or dietary needs, and expectations for family events.
If parents have different traditions or rules, children can learn that households may do things differently. Basic expectations for safety and respect should remain clear, while minor differences need not become a battleground. No parent needs to criticize the other household to explain their own approach.
When conflict is difficult to manage, keep communication brief, factual, and focused on the children. A parenting coordinator, mediator, or other appropriate professional may help some families resolve recurring logistical disagreements. Where there are safety concerns, coercion, or intimidation, seek appropriate individualized guidance rather than assuming direct cooperation is always possible.
When Parents Approach the Holidays Differently
Parents may disagree about travel, religious observances, family gatherings, spending, or how much flexibility to allow. Children should not be placed in the middle of those disagreements. Try to distinguish between matters that genuinely affect a child’s well-being and differences that simply reflect each parent’s preferences.
A workable plan does not require identical celebrations. It requires clarity, reliability, and enough cooperation to keep children from carrying the conflict. If parents cannot reach agreement, consider the existing parenting plan and obtain legal advice when needed; do not ask children to decide which parent is right.
Look Forward, Not Just Back
The first holiday season after separation may feel especially difficult because familiar rituals can highlight what has changed. Parents may also feel pressure to make the holidays wonderful to compensate for the separation. Children do not need elaborate plans or constant entertainment. They need dependable care, emotional availability, and permission to enjoy ordinary moments.
Over time, families often develop a new rhythm. Some traditions will continue, some will change, and others will emerge. Children can build positive memories in both households when adults make space for their relationships and avoid turning celebrations into a measure of loyalty.
Final Thoughts
Children’s holiday well-being depends less on achieving a flawless schedule than on the emotional climate surrounding it. Advance planning, predictable routines, respect for children’s developmental needs, and protection from parental conflict can make a meaningful difference.
Parents do not have to agree about everything to give their children a steadier holiday experience. They can begin by keeping adult disputes with adults, communicating plans clearly, and reminding children through words and actions that they are loved and free to enjoy time with both parents. The holidays may look different after divorce, but they can still offer connection, comfort, and joy.
