Written by My Collaborative Team President Edward S. Sachs
Just starting a new matter where the husband clearly wants to control the Process as well as the outcome. So, the question is, how do you Control a Controlling Personality?
Before I get to the topic at hand, I want to first point out that this Collaborative case was initiated by the mental health professional. Because this MHP lets everyone know what she does as a Collaborative Facilitator, a friend referred this couple to her to discuss the idea of a Collaborative Divorce. The MHP then sent them to me to explain the Process relative to the finances. Then they hired recommended attorneys, and here we go.
During the initial interviews the husband questioned why we needed the MHP. Then he questioned whether we really needed attorneys. He stated that he and his wife have already agreed on how to settle, and he wants this done fast and cheaply. It was very clear he wanted to control how everything would happen.
I love the analogy of Collaborative being like surgery. If you need surgery, you don’t get to say to the surgeon, can we have one less nurse in the room and maybe we don’t need that anesthesiologist person. The Collaborative Process is a team process that relies on every member of the team.
So, the first rule is: Do not try to control a controller
Establish ground rules early. Make it clear that the professionals have been hired because of their expertise and because they work well as a team. They will control the Process and help deliver the clients to their desired destination.
Make sure you keep control of the Process. Stick to an agenda and keep things structured. And when the controller tries to dominate, redirect the discussion.
It is very important that you remain calm and non-reactive to the controller, even if they are aggressive or manipulative.
If necessary, empower the other client. Give them an opportunity to speak. Ask direct questions of the non-controller spouse: What do you think about that?
And most important, make sure your team maintains its cohesiveness. The controller will try to manipulate the team and try to turn the team members against each other. Stay strong as a team.
